Dating After Divorce: My Worst Experiences EVER

When you watch romantic comedies about a woman finding love after divorce, BAM! Mr. Right was waiting there all along, at an outdoor market, in a foreign country or in the so-called "friend zone." Sadly, it doesn't work like that in the real world. These fake news films don't tell you that dating after divorce kinda sucks.

After my divorce, I took some time to figure out who I was and what I really needed. Once I figured that out, I was ready to jump back into the sea of potential male partners. "There's plenty of fish in the sea" is an age-old phrase, so I decided to go fishing.

I don't like clubs, I don't drink alcohol (with the exception of wine; I'm a bit of a connoisseur), and after being in Iraq, I have terrible anxiety in crowded places. But I was determined! I created what I consider to be a pretty normal profile on the dating site OKCupid.

However, no one warned me about all the garbage and poisoned fish out there polluting the online-dating sea. Let's take a stroll down Memory Lane and revisit some of the worst dates that came from this online dating excursion.

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DATE 1

I began talking to this guy over the phone. I'll call him Bill. He was sweet, funny, and hella sarcastic  — like me. After I let him know that was a major geek, he said, "We should have a Lord of the Rings marathon date." I thought that was cute, but have you seen Lord of the Rings? Those movies are loooong! So I told him, "Let's just start with the first one. You come over, I'll cook. It'll be fun." He came over that weekend and was even cuter in person. I went to give him a hug to welcome him inside but he had other plans. He tried to shove his tongue down my throat! I made him pump his breaks and told him, "Maybe later." Then, this assh*le pouted and brooded and huffed and puffed the entire time. I was so annoyed! I needed him gone from my presence, so I told him, "Oh, you know what, Bill, I just remembered that I have to help my sister with her kids and I'm already late. I'm sorry." I don't have a sister. I played World of Warcraft the rest of the night after he left.

DATE 2

This guy was actually pretty dope. Let's call him Sam. Sam was smart, had his sh*t together, and seemed to be a gentleman. But I noticed something a bit off about his behavior. No phone calls or texts after 5 p.m., in particular. After texting for a week, we met up for coffee at Starbucks. When I asked him about his schedule after 5 p.m., he casually explained, "I'm usually hanging with my wife and family around that time." Wait, what? When I asked why his profile didn't mention he was married or why he didn't think to tell me he was married he simply responded, "Didn't think it was a big deal." I asked if he was in an open marriage — if his wife dates other men. He said no. Then he had the audacity to say to me, "We should go camping next weekend. It'll be fun." Nah, bruh. I'm good.

DATE 3

This guy's profile said he was looking for an intelligent woman who is a bit of a geek and not afraid to travel. Again, great conversation. He was very flirty via text and on the phone. Before I knew it, it was time for our first date. In person, he was incredibly shy, which I thought that was kind of adorable. But when I tried to get him to engage in conversation, it felt like pulling teeth. I thought maybe it was me, so I said, "I'm sorry. Am I talking too much?" His response: "Oh no, not at all. It's just — you're kind of intimidating." I asked him what he meant and he replied with this gem: "Well, I like smart girls, don't get me wrong, but you just seem like you know a lot." WTF DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! I simply said, "Okay. Thank you for your honesty. I'm gonna go now." After that, I decided to just stick to playing video games for a while.

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Long story short, I kept trying to have a few conversations with guys I meet. But for some reason, I only attract unwashed miscreants looking for booty and old men who think channeling Christian Grey is a turn on after asking me about my "Christian" values. I am tired of the dating after divorce nonsense. But, I'm not giving up. I just have to reevaluate my strategy.

So what’s your story?